unwillingly aware

I am aware now that it is possible to smile and even laugh while my soul screams and writhes in agony.

I am aware now that there is no point in second-guessing every decision I ever made, because nothing can be changed now.

I am aware now that I will second-guess every decision I ever made, anyway.

I am aware now that a body cools very quickly after death, no matter how tightly you wrap blankets around it and no matter how much you snuggle it against your body and no matter how many hot tears you shower over it.

I am aware now that I never truly understood what pain felt like, or what despair did to a person, or how much pain and despair I would be willing to take on in exchange for my child’s life.

I am now aware that it doesn’t matter what I’m willing to take on.

I am aware now that there are no exchanges.

I am aware now, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

via Daily Prompt: Aware

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