depression is honest and perceptive. i tend to get overly excited about things and i set lofty goals and enthusiastically try to recruit others into my projects. even as i’m researching and learning and creating and rallying, i can sense when depression quietly saunters in behind me. depression stands in the back of the room, quietly observing with a small condescending smirk, while i try to keep my momentum going.
i’m like the fledgling teacher desperately trying to perform for the principal, trying to maintain my authority even as my students become aware of my panic and begin acting up.
but as i listen to myself, as i see myself through the eyes of my depression, i do recognize that i’m foolish. it’s a little embarrassing, but not the end of the world to realize that people are just humoring me, that what i’m attempting to discuss or build is well beyond the range of my intelligence and expertise, and i can understand that all of my energies are wasted.
and it’s not at all a terrible thing to allow depression to envelop me, to cover me with its heavy dark cloak, and it’s a relief to just stop. there’s a distant sense of disappointment, much like i’d imagine if i were that fledgling teacher who comes to realize i’m in the wrong field altogether but it’s okay because here comes the principal to take over the class for me, so that i can just put all of my things into a box and just leave.
depression allows me to see that i am unnecessary in a lot of ways. again, this is not a terrible thing because the realization allows me to relinquish stresses that i do not actually need to carry.
i don’t always cry and lie around thinking hateful thoughts about myself. i’m just able to see the benefit in turning down the heat, toning down the excitement, dimming the passion, look at things critically and honestly. depression just points out to me that the world will keep turning even if i’m not cranking the wheel, and depression reminds me that i’m remembered because i pester and that if i’m quiet i’ll be quickly forgotten.
and to be forgotten is also not necessarily a terrible thing.